Sometimes I forget that unlearning all the internalized oppressive crap that has been instilled in me is an ongoing process. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel like “yep, I’ve unlearned it all, I’m good to go.” And the next thing I know a thought will pop into my head or I’ll do something without thinking and afterwards I pause and go “hey wait a minute, that was really messed up… I guess I haven’t unlearned it all…” And that’s kind of a disheartening thought, realizing just how entrenched all of these messed up values are in me is really distressing. At the same time, it’s an invaluable reminder of the fact that I will never be done unlearning. I live in a society where these horrible ideas are all around me, therefore it is a constant battle to say “no, that’s not right.” But it’s a worthwhile battle because all of the racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, sexist, etc. crap that we are bombarded with on a daily basis is not ok. And I’m not just going to give in to it just because it’s hard to recognize it and unlearn it.

At the same time, I struggle with remembering that others are working on unlearning it too and it’s not my place to judge their process. It’s really important for me to remember that I hate the system that puts these ideas in place, I don’t hate the people that the ideas have been instilled in. Hating people instead of hating the system is a distraction, it is an obstacle in the way of real change. We are all struggling to unlearn the idea that we do not deserve good things and neither do others, for whatever reason. We are all worthy of love. We are all worthy of respect.

These Days

Some days I wish I had a full beard – coarse, thick hair to run fingers through and shape my face.

Some days I want to paint my nails – pinks, purples, teals, with sparkles and shimmer.

Some days I cringe every time I hear my voice because I feel like it’s just so high – I try not to talk much on these days.

Some days I want to grow my hair out long and be able to braid it and put it in a bun – beautiful and handsome, shiny, wavy tumbles of hair.

Some days I see pictures of cis men that make me crumple like a paper bag because I know I’ll never be that and that feels like the end of the world – it’s like all the air goes out of my body and my body folds in on itself, and lies in a heap on the floor.

Some days I want to bind my chest so flat that I can’t breathe – prop myself up on the tension, feeling like I’m safe in this too-small fortress.

Some days I want to wear sparkly lipstick – shine for days, every word that leaves my mouth dripping with shimmer.

Some days I feel happy when I look in the mirror – like I know the person looking back at me and I’m proud of them.

Some days I avoid the mirror at all costs – don’t show me what I already know, what I already can’t face.

Some days I wonder how on earth my partner is at all attracted to me – so insecure, so far from my truth… how can anyone be drawn to me?

Some days I just want to cry – when it feels like it’s never going to end and nothing is working in my favor.

Some days I just want to run – like somehow I can escape all of the feelings if I can just get far enough away from them.

Some days I don’t want to move – crushed underneath the weight of too much and not enough.

Some days I want to scream – to explode, to refuse to hold it all in.

Some days hormones and top surgery feel so out of reach that I want to just give up – so much paperwork and waiting to wade through, so many hoops.

Some days I feel like I’m making progress – when an inch feels like a mile, and I can fly over it all.

My thoughts and feelings can differ on a daily basis. That’s kind of hard to settle into and be ok with. Some days I’m good at it. Some days I’m not.

The Little Things

Things have been a little tough lately…

For starters, we still haven’t found a very viable place to move to (in 39 days), and that is STRESSING me out! But, I’m trying to learn to be more go-with-the-flow, and relaxed about this because… in all probability, it will work out somehow.. (at least that’s what I’m telling myself lol).

Aside from that, I had really hoped that I might have health insurance by now. I’ve been actively engaged in making phone calls, filling out forms, looking up information, and asking questions, to try and get myself enrolled in health care since March… It’s looking like I might at least be close by now, but I’m still not there. A lot in my life kind of hinges on health care right now, I have some immediate dental issues that need addressing, the legal name change process apparently will be much easier for me once I have health insurance, and I can start thinking more seriously about hormones once I have health insurance! So, as you can imagine, I’m fairly anxious to finish jumping through all of the hoops and finally be enrolled!

I’m not really out about my gender identity at work so I’ve resigned myself to constantly being misgendered there. It’s nice though to have an affirming place to come home to where everyone knows my pronouns and identity and respects them. We were hanging out with some friends the other day who are very familiar with my gender identity and pronouns, but they kept accidentally slipping up and calling me “she”. They would of course correct themselves, but it still was kind of jarring… it always is kind of jarring to hear someone who definitely knows my pronouns misgender me, it begs the questions, “do you just really see me as a cis woman and just use my pronouns when you remember to?” And often I can tell people feel bad about slipping up and they trip all over themselves to correct it, and I don’t feel angry with them or anything, because I don’t feel like they are intentionally misgendering me to make me upset. But it does make me a little sad to think that people don’t actually recognize my gender identity.. I know it might not seem like a big deal, but it kind of is… at least to me…

I guess that’s all for now. Until next time..

After the hiatus

Many things have happened… and not happened… in the past few months that have discouraged me from writing… I have been going through some changes about how I am feeling about my transition. I’m not really sure what spurred these changes, but then again the why’s and how’s about gender have never really been clear for me. I have also been working a lot and hardcore searching for a place to move to when I start grad school in the end of August (68 days away, not that I’m counting). Aside from that I’ve been working on some smaller projects, trying to destroy the long-term to-do list of things to do before moving so that I will feel less stressed (haha yea right) and just kind of feeling discouraged or down in the dumps…

HOWEVER, today is a new day, a few significant positive changes have occurred in my life recently, AND I was just reading BET’s list of Ten Transgender People You Should Know, and I am feeling inspired/motivated/encouraged, so what better time to write a new post? A few weeks ago I started seeing a counselor at the Gender Health Center and while I’m still not sure what I’m hoping to achieve by participating in these sessions, I think they’re helping me be more intentional and mindful about my thoughts and feelings as well as my relationships with others. Which, I am a fan of. So, I’m going to see where this goes. The Gender Health Center is also helping me get hooked up with medical insurance! Which is going to make it easier for me to legally change my name, explore hormone options, explore top surgery options, and in general see the doctor/dentist which is becoming more of a priority. So, that’s exciting!

Another part of trying to be intentional and mindful of myself and to help me battle the blues, I am currently following a 30 days of change exercise program. It’s kind of keeping me grounded and thinking about the present. The one day at a time aspect of the exercises is also transferring to my thought processes and moments of stress about the future, which is a wonderful benefit for me.

So, as I mentioned earlier, my thoughts/feelings about transition have been sort of changing lately. I used to not really be sure about if I was ever going to take testosterone, or get top surgery. And lately (probably for the past 3 months or so) I have had much stronger urges/yearnings to start taking testosterone. As I mentioned, I’m not really sure why these urges/yearnings have become so strong, the reasons behind my feelings on gender are never really crystal clear for me… But I think it might have something to do with the fact that I finally laid everything out about my feelings about gender to my mom, so that’s not as much of a pressure to not start testosterone, anymore. However, I also have been admitting to myself that I really want to be able to have a baby. And, the effects taking testosterone has on fertility aren’t really known, but it is a possibility that taking testosterone could make it harder or impossible for me to have a baby in the future… so that’s a new thing to grapple with… more later on that, I’m sure.

On a somewhat unrelated note, as I am preparing to move (in 68 days) I am trying to find radical/queer/non-normative children’s books to leave for the children at the daycare where I work, so even though I won’t be there to challenge the norms anymore, hopefully these books will be able to a little bit, haha. A friend pointed out this awesome article to me about that pursuit. And my two favorite books I have stumbled upon so far are A is for Activist and Meet Polkadot.

Hope you are all doing well!

Until next time…

Personal ish

Hey y’all,

So, a big change in my life that I haven’t written about yet, surprisingly, is my job. I got to quit my retail job that I hated because it added an incredible amount of anxiety and negativity to my life and now I work at a daycare! It’s awesome, I love working with kids and the other staff members are so friendly and understanding. So that’s a really cool development in my life that I’m so grateful for.

My partner got promoted and we are becoming slightly more financially stable, so it’s looking like hormones/legal name change might be closer to becoming a real possibility, should I choose to engage in them. In a way that’s really exciting but it’s also scary because it means that coming out to my extended family would become more of a pressing issue… On the one hand I’d really love to come out to my family because it would be such a relief to not have that over my head all of the time. On another hand though, I know I’d be really sad if/when some of them decided not to be a part of my life anymore… and I know that I shouldn’t want them in my life if they don’t embrace who I am, but I’m just not there yet. Also, I’m not exactly looking forward to all of paperwork I’m going to have to fill out for like every bureaucratic system I’m involved in once/if I start pursuing name change and/or hormones… 

I’m really trying to focus on doing things in my daily life that make me happy. Essentially saying happiness is a priority, because I’m kind of tired of being/feeling so super cynical/negative so much. I know that there’s a lot to feel negative/cynical about, but I also know that negative energy kind of functions as poison in my life. I’m not going to invalidate my feelings of negativity but I’m just going to try to find some positivity to balance it out a bit.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the grad school I applied to… fingers crossed!

I guess that’s all for now. Until next time..


Hey y’all,

So, again inspired by Janet Mock, this time by her appearance on The Colbert Report as well as this post I saw on tumblr where someone asks “what if everyone had personal pronouns?” (which, on a side note, everyone does have personal pronouns, just many people happen to have the same personal pronouns and I think maybe this person meant what if everyone had a different personal pronoun) and the blog answers it perfectly by saying: then we’d all be in the habit of telling each other about our personal pronouns when we meet and pronouns would no longer be an issue. As someone who has different personal pronouns than the normative he/him, she/her, I LOVE this idea! Even after 2 years or so of going by they/them I still never know when/how to bring it up to someone I’m meeting that my pronouns aren’t she/her or he/him. Sometimes people ask, and when done in an I-care-about-not-misgendering-you kind of way instead of a you-don’t-go-by-she/her-or-he/him?-what-kind-of-freak-are-you? kind of way, I love that! But many people don’t ask and therefore many people don’t know unless I ever feel close enough to them to tell them or someone outs me… So, a world in which first time introductions include your personal pronouns, sounds amazing. I hope it someday becomes a reality. Annnnnd, possibly moving us a little closer to that reality, Facebook now allows [some] custom gender identities and has added they/them pronouns! Granted Facebook still doesn’t have all gender identities represented let alone the myriad of pronouns not represented, but it’s a start! So yay!

Anyway, I guess that’s all I have for now. Happy Friday! Until next time..


I’ve been following the Janet Mock and Piers Morgan interviews/social media storm over the past few days (Team Janet forever and always, the way she held her own in the face of Piers Morgan’s ignorance and defensive bullshit was incredibly inspiring), and it has made me think even more about, among many things, transition. A word that is used in so many contexts in so many situations. Transition applies to my life in so many ways, transitioning to new jobs, new homes, new ways of thinking, being in school, being out of school, and of course, gender presentation and identity. Transition often means change, discomfort, clumsiness, slip-ups, ups, downs, etc. It’s often a multi-step process of adjusting to something. Lots of times transition leads to an end feeling of adjustment, of having transitioned. However, in regards to gender, I personally feel like I’m never going to have finished my transition. Maybe this is not a common feeling in the transgender community, maybe some people have very specific steps/goals in their transition and once they meet them, they consider themselves done. However, for myself especially because I identify as non-binary, I don’t really have an end goal for transition. I feel like my gender identity is probably going to be in constant flux. I feel like this is the case for myself, for many reasons:

  1. Being non-binary, I don’t have a specific ideal gender presentation/identity that I’m trying to achieve, I just basically know what I don’t identify as, so it’s kind of an ongoing process of trying things out or feeling a certain way for a while and then maybe feeling another way for a while.
  2. I’m not really sure yet if I’m ever going to get surgery or go on hormones, so what could be labeled as the medical aspects of my transition are very much up in the air and I don’t really feel like I’m going to reach closure on them soon.
  3. Kind of a follow-up to the 2nd point, but if I do decide at some point to go on hormones or get surgery, that’s going to take finances which would definitely take a good chunk of time for me to scrape together.
  4. The legal/bureaucratic aspects of my transition are also going to take a while… the legal name change process is long, complicated and expensive (there is a fee waiver, at least here in CA, but again, complicated), not to mention, do I want to legally change my gender marker? Hmmm… while I don’t identify as or use the pronoun “he”, if I ever do go on hormones/get top surgery, I may have some difficulty using an ID that says “she” on it…
  5. “coming out” to my family is… well, complicated, of course. I haven’t decided if I’m in a place where I’m comfortable coming out to them and having some of them say that they aren’t going to associate with me anymore…

I feel like my life is going to be a constant transition, and that’s ok with me. Finding a way to feel comfortable in transition has been and continues to challenge me, but it’s the only way I feel true to myself.

In other, not so related news, here’s a list of ableist terms to avoid I came across on tumblr. In case you are looking for ways to make your language more inclusive. Words are powerful and precious❤

I guess that’s all for now, Until next time…