talking at myself… some more

The other day, someone made a comment to me that really resonated. We were sitting on a couch together, at a party, kind of surveying the whole thing, and they said: “Straight parties are weird, huh?” At the time I was like, “yeah, they are.” Before having this conversation, I had noticed people staring at me at the party, not sure what to make of me. I was reminded of why I rarely step out of my social comfort zone (aka queer spaces): because “straight parties are weird.” Meeting new people and making new friends can be hard no matter what the circumstances, but add judgment about gender and sexuality on top of that and you have a pretty dang uncomfortable situation. It’s just sooooo much easier to stay in the spaces where assumptions ARENT made about my gender or sexuality. And then I started thinking about what about when (if ever) I go on T and/or get top surgery… I may start being read as a man. My partner and I would be read in many spaces as a straight couple… so then would I feel comfortable at “straight parties”? No. I realized I will probably never feel comfortable in predominantly straight spaces because those spaces will still contain judgments/stereotypes about gender and sexuality and just because maybe those judgments wont be directed right at me, they’ll still make me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I’m never going to be comfortable with “casual” misogyny/homophobia/transphobia/etc. I will always be that “buzz kill” who is not going to let those comments go by un-checked. Albeit, I’m not saying I’m perfect at speaking up, but I do try to as much as I can. So… just more thoughts about what life might be like once (if ever) I’m “further” along in my transition.

side note: I use “if ever” a lot when I’m talking about hormones and surgery for myself because I’m still trying to un-pack those topics and where I stand on them as far as my identity goes, as well as figure out if they are even feasibly accessible for me… and I use “further” in quotes, in regards to my transition, because I think the idea that my transition progress is based on hormones or surgery is silly. I view transition as more of a process/relationship with my identity and presentation as opposed to a linear journey that must follow certain steps to be considered a “genuine transition”. I should probably just stop referring to my transition that way entirely, as opposed to sarcastically using quotes and parentheses then… ahhh process.

I guess that’s enough talking at my self/working through my thoughts for one post 😛 Until next time…

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