Monthly Archives: July 2014

Unlearning

Sometimes I forget that unlearning all the internalized oppressive crap that has been instilled in me is an ongoing process. Sometimes I get to a point where I feel like “yep, I’ve unlearned it all, I’m good to go.” And the next thing I know a thought will pop into my head or I’ll do something without thinking and afterwards I pause and go “hey wait a minute, that was really messed up… I guess I haven’t unlearned it all…” And that’s kind of a disheartening thought, realizing just how entrenched all of these messed up values are in me is really distressing. At the same time, it’s an invaluable reminder of the fact that I will never be done unlearning. I live in a society where these horrible ideas are all around me, therefore it is a constant battle to say “no, that’s not right.” But it’s a worthwhile battle because all of the racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, sexist, etc. crap that we are bombarded with on a daily basis is not ok. And I’m not just going to give in to it just because it’s hard to recognize it and unlearn it.

At the same time, I struggle with remembering that others are working on unlearning it too and it’s not my place to judge their process. It’s really important for me to remember that I hate the system that puts these ideas in place, I don’t hate the people that the ideas have been instilled in. Hating people instead of hating the system is a distraction, it is an obstacle in the way of real change. We are all struggling to unlearn the idea that we do not deserve good things and neither do others, for whatever reason. We are all worthy of love. We are all worthy of respect.

These Days

Some days I wish I had a full beard – coarse, thick hair to run fingers through and shape my face.

Some days I want to paint my nails – pinks, purples, teals, with sparkles and shimmer.

Some days I cringe every time I hear my voice because I feel like it’s just so high – I try not to talk much on these days.

Some days I want to grow my hair out long and be able to braid it and put it in a bun – beautiful and handsome, shiny, wavy tumbles of hair.

Some days I see pictures of cis men that make me crumple like a paper bag because I know I’ll never be that and that feels like the end of the world – it’s like all the air goes out of my body and my body folds in on itself, and lies in a heap on the floor.

Some days I want to bind my chest so flat that I can’t breathe – prop myself up on the tension, feeling like I’m safe in this too-small fortress.

Some days I want to wear sparkly lipstick – shine for days, every word that leaves my mouth dripping with shimmer.

Some days I feel happy when I look in the mirror – like I know the person looking back at me and I’m proud of them.

Some days I avoid the mirror at all costs – don’t show me what I already know, what I already can’t face.

Some days I wonder how on earth my partner is at all attracted to me – so insecure, so far from my truth… how can anyone be drawn to me?

Some days I just want to cry – when it feels like it’s never going to end and nothing is working in my favor.

Some days I just want to run – like somehow I can escape all of the feelings if I can just get far enough away from them.

Some days I don’t want to move – crushed underneath the weight of too much and not enough.

Some days I want to scream – to explode, to refuse to hold it all in.

Some days hormones and top surgery feel so out of reach that I want to just give up – so much paperwork and waiting to wade through, so many hoops.

Some days I feel like I’m making progress – when an inch feels like a mile, and I can fly over it all.

My thoughts and feelings can differ on a daily basis. That’s kind of hard to settle into and be ok with. Some days I’m good at it. Some days I’m not.

The Little Things

Things have been a little tough lately…

For starters, we still haven’t found a very viable place to move to (in 39 days), and that is STRESSING me out! But, I’m trying to learn to be more go-with-the-flow, and relaxed about this because… in all probability, it will work out somehow.. (at least that’s what I’m telling myself lol).

Aside from that, I had really hoped that I might have health insurance by now. I’ve been actively engaged in making phone calls, filling out forms, looking up information, and asking questions, to try and get myself enrolled in health care since March… It’s looking like I might at least be close by now, but I’m still not there. A lot in my life kind of hinges on health care right now, I have some immediate dental issues that need addressing, the legal name change process apparently will be much easier for me once I have health insurance, and I can start thinking more seriously about hormones once I have health insurance! So, as you can imagine, I’m fairly anxious to finish jumping through all of the hoops and finally be enrolled!

I’m not really out about my gender identity at work so I’ve resigned myself to constantly being misgendered there. It’s nice though to have an affirming place to come home to where everyone knows my pronouns and identity and respects them. We were hanging out with some friends the other day who are very familiar with my gender identity and pronouns, but they kept accidentally slipping up and calling me “she”. They would of course correct themselves, but it still was kind of jarring… it always is kind of jarring to hear someone who definitely knows my pronouns misgender me, it begs the questions, “do you just really see me as a cis woman and just use my pronouns when you remember to?” And often I can tell people feel bad about slipping up and they trip all over themselves to correct it, and I don’t feel angry with them or anything, because I don’t feel like they are intentionally misgendering me to make me upset. But it does make me a little sad to think that people don’t actually recognize my gender identity.. I know it might not seem like a big deal, but it kind of is… at least to me…

I guess that’s all for now. Until next time..