Tag Archives: name change

These Days

Some days I wish I had a full beard – coarse, thick hair to run fingers through and shape my face.

Some days I want to paint my nails – pinks, purples, teals, with sparkles and shimmer.

Some days I cringe every time I hear my voice because I feel like it’s just so high – I try not to talk much on these days.

Some days I want to grow my hair out long and be able to braid it and put it in a bun – beautiful and handsome, shiny, wavy tumbles of hair.

Some days I see pictures of cis men that make me crumple like a paper bag because I know I’ll never be that and that feels like the end of the world – it’s like all the air goes out of my body and my body folds in on itself, and lies in a heap on the floor.

Some days I want to bind my chest so flat that I can’t breathe – prop myself up on the tension, feeling like I’m safe in this too-small fortress.

Some days I want to wear sparkly lipstick – shine for days, every word that leaves my mouth dripping with shimmer.

Some days I feel happy when I look in the mirror – like I know the person looking back at me and I’m proud of them.

Some days I avoid the mirror at all costs – don’t show me what I already know, what I already can’t face.

Some days I wonder how on earth my partner is at all attracted to me – so insecure, so far from my truth… how can anyone be drawn to me?

Some days I just want to cry – when it feels like it’s never going to end and nothing is working in my favor.

Some days I just want to run – like somehow I can escape all of the feelings if I can just get far enough away from them.

Some days I don’t want to move – crushed underneath the weight of too much and not enough.

Some days I want to scream – to explode, to refuse to hold it all in.

Some days hormones and top surgery feel so out of reach that I want to just give up – so much paperwork and waiting to wade through, so many hoops.

Some days I feel like I’m making progress – when an inch feels like a mile, and I can fly over it all.

My thoughts and feelings can differ on a daily basis. That’s kind of hard to settle into and be ok with. Some days I’m good at it. Some days I’m not.

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After the hiatus

Many things have happened… and not happened… in the past few months that have discouraged me from writing… I have been going through some changes about how I am feeling about my transition. I’m not really sure what spurred these changes, but then again the why’s and how’s about gender have never really been clear for me. I have also been working a lot and hardcore searching for a place to move to when I start grad school in the end of August (68 days away, not that I’m counting). Aside from that I’ve been working on some smaller projects, trying to destroy the long-term to-do list of things to do before moving so that I will feel less stressed (haha yea right) and just kind of feeling discouraged or down in the dumps…

HOWEVER, today is a new day, a few significant positive changes have occurred in my life recently, AND I was just reading BET’s list of Ten Transgender People You Should Know, and I am feeling inspired/motivated/encouraged, so what better time to write a new post? A few weeks ago I started seeing a counselor at the Gender Health Center and while I’m still not sure what I’m hoping to achieve by participating in these sessions, I think they’re helping me be more intentional and mindful about my thoughts and feelings as well as my relationships with others. Which, I am a fan of. So, I’m going to see where this goes. The Gender Health Center is also helping me get hooked up with medical insurance! Which is going to make it easier for me to legally change my name, explore hormone options, explore top surgery options, and in general see the doctor/dentist which is becoming more of a priority. So, that’s exciting!

Another part of trying to be intentional and mindful of myself and to help me battle the blues, I am currently following a 30 days of change exercise program. It’s kind of keeping me grounded and thinking about the present. The one day at a time aspect of the exercises is also transferring to my thought processes and moments of stress about the future, which is a wonderful benefit for me.

So, as I mentioned earlier, my thoughts/feelings about transition have been sort of changing lately. I used to not really be sure about if I was ever going to take testosterone, or get top surgery. And lately (probably for the past 3 months or so) I have had much stronger urges/yearnings to start taking testosterone. As I mentioned, I’m not really sure why these urges/yearnings have become so strong, the reasons behind my feelings on gender are never really crystal clear for me… But I think it might have something to do with the fact that I finally laid everything out about my feelings about gender to my mom, so that’s not as much of a pressure to not start testosterone, anymore. However, I also have been admitting to myself that I really want to be able to have a baby. And, the effects taking testosterone has on fertility aren’t really known, but it is a possibility that taking testosterone could make it harder or impossible for me to have a baby in the future… so that’s a new thing to grapple with… more later on that, I’m sure.

On a somewhat unrelated note, as I am preparing to move (in 68 days) I am trying to find radical/queer/non-normative children’s books to leave for the children at the daycare where I work, so even though I won’t be there to challenge the norms anymore, hopefully these books will be able to a little bit, haha. A friend pointed out this awesome article to me about that pursuit. And my two favorite books I have stumbled upon so far are A is for Activist and Meet Polkadot.

Hope you are all doing well!

Until next time…

Personal ish

Hey y’all,

So, a big change in my life that I haven’t written about yet, surprisingly, is my job. I got to quit my retail job that I hated because it added an incredible amount of anxiety and negativity to my life and now I work at a daycare! It’s awesome, I love working with kids and the other staff members are so friendly and understanding. So that’s a really cool development in my life that I’m so grateful for.

My partner got promoted and we are becoming slightly more financially stable, so it’s looking like hormones/legal name change might be closer to becoming a real possibility, should I choose to engage in them. In a way that’s really exciting but it’s also scary because it means that coming out to my extended family would become more of a pressing issue… On the one hand I’d really love to come out to my family because it would be such a relief to not have that over my head all of the time. On another hand though, I know I’d be really sad if/when some of them decided not to be a part of my life anymore… and I know that I shouldn’t want them in my life if they don’t embrace who I am, but I’m just not there yet. Also, I’m not exactly looking forward to all of paperwork I’m going to have to fill out for like every bureaucratic system I’m involved in once/if I start pursuing name change and/or hormones… 

I’m really trying to focus on doing things in my daily life that make me happy. Essentially saying happiness is a priority, because I’m kind of tired of being/feeling so super cynical/negative so much. I know that there’s a lot to feel negative/cynical about, but I also know that negative energy kind of functions as poison in my life. I’m not going to invalidate my feelings of negativity but I’m just going to try to find some positivity to balance it out a bit.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the grad school I applied to… fingers crossed!

I guess that’s all for now. Until next time..