Some days I wish I had a full beard – coarse, thick hair to run fingers through and shape my face.
Some days I want to paint my nails – pinks, purples, teals, with sparkles and shimmer.
Some days I cringe every time I hear my voice because I feel like it’s just so high – I try not to talk much on these days.
Some days I want to grow my hair out long and be able to braid it and put it in a bun – beautiful and handsome, shiny, wavy tumbles of hair.
Some days I see pictures of cis men that make me crumple like a paper bag because I know I’ll never be that and that feels like the end of the world – it’s like all the air goes out of my body and my body folds in on itself, and lies in a heap on the floor.
Some days I want to bind my chest so flat that I can’t breathe – prop myself up on the tension, feeling like I’m safe in this too-small fortress.
Some days I want to wear sparkly lipstick – shine for days, every word that leaves my mouth dripping with shimmer.
Some days I feel happy when I look in the mirror – like I know the person looking back at me and I’m proud of them.
Some days I avoid the mirror at all costs – don’t show me what I already know, what I already can’t face.
Some days I wonder how on earth my partner is at all attracted to me – so insecure, so far from my truth… how can anyone be drawn to me?
Some days I just want to cry – when it feels like it’s never going to end and nothing is working in my favor.
Some days I just want to run – like somehow I can escape all of the feelings if I can just get far enough away from them.
Some days I don’t want to move – crushed underneath the weight of too much and not enough.
Some days I want to scream – to explode, to refuse to hold it all in.
Some days hormones and top surgery feel so out of reach that I want to just give up – so much paperwork and waiting to wade through, so many hoops.
Some days I feel like I’m making progress – when an inch feels like a mile, and I can fly over it all.
My thoughts and feelings can differ on a daily basis. That’s kind of hard to settle into and be ok with. Some days I’m good at it. Some days I’m not.