Tag Archives: transition

These Days

Some days I wish I had a full beard – coarse, thick hair to run fingers through and shape my face.

Some days I want to paint my nails – pinks, purples, teals, with sparkles and shimmer.

Some days I cringe every time I hear my voice because I feel like it’s just so high – I try not to talk much on these days.

Some days I want to grow my hair out long and be able to braid it and put it in a bun – beautiful and handsome, shiny, wavy tumbles of hair.

Some days I see pictures of cis men that make me crumple like a paper bag because I know I’ll never be that and that feels like the end of the world – it’s like all the air goes out of my body and my body folds in on itself, and lies in a heap on the floor.

Some days I want to bind my chest so flat that I can’t breathe – prop myself up on the tension, feeling like I’m safe in this too-small fortress.

Some days I want to wear sparkly lipstick – shine for days, every word that leaves my mouth dripping with shimmer.

Some days I feel happy when I look in the mirror – like I know the person looking back at me and I’m proud of them.

Some days I avoid the mirror at all costs – don’t show me what I already know, what I already can’t face.

Some days I wonder how on earth my partner is at all attracted to me – so insecure, so far from my truth… how can anyone be drawn to me?

Some days I just want to cry – when it feels like it’s never going to end and nothing is working in my favor.

Some days I just want to run – like somehow I can escape all of the feelings if I can just get far enough away from them.

Some days I don’t want to move – crushed underneath the weight of too much and not enough.

Some days I want to scream – to explode, to refuse to hold it all in.

Some days hormones and top surgery feel so out of reach that I want to just give up – so much paperwork and waiting to wade through, so many hoops.

Some days I feel like I’m making progress – when an inch feels like a mile, and I can fly over it all.

My thoughts and feelings can differ on a daily basis. That’s kind of hard to settle into and be ok with. Some days I’m good at it. Some days I’m not.

Transition

I’ve been following the Janet Mock and Piers Morgan interviews/social media storm over the past few days (Team Janet forever and always, the way she held her own in the face of Piers Morgan’s ignorance and defensive bullshit was incredibly inspiring), and it has made me think even more about, among many things, transition. A word that is used in so many contexts in so many situations. Transition applies to my life in so many ways, transitioning to new jobs, new homes, new ways of thinking, being in school, being out of school, and of course, gender presentation and identity. Transition often means change, discomfort, clumsiness, slip-ups, ups, downs, etc. It’s often a multi-step process of adjusting to something. Lots of times transition leads to an end feeling of adjustment, of having transitioned. However, in regards to gender, I personally feel like I’m never going to have finished my transition. Maybe this is not a common feeling in the transgender community, maybe some people have very specific steps/goals in their transition and once they meet them, they consider themselves done. However, for myself especially because I identify as non-binary, I don’t really have an end goal for transition. I feel like my gender identity is probably going to be in constant flux. I feel like this is the case for myself, for many reasons:

  1. Being non-binary, I don’t have a specific ideal gender presentation/identity that I’m trying to achieve, I just basically know what I don’t identify as, so it’s kind of an ongoing process of trying things out or feeling a certain way for a while and then maybe feeling another way for a while.
  2. I’m not really sure yet if I’m ever going to get surgery or go on hormones, so what could be labeled as the medical aspects of my transition are very much up in the air and I don’t really feel like I’m going to reach closure on them soon.
  3. Kind of a follow-up to the 2nd point, but if I do decide at some point to go on hormones or get surgery, that’s going to take finances which would definitely take a good chunk of time for me to scrape together.
  4. The legal/bureaucratic aspects of my transition are also going to take a while… the legal name change process is long, complicated and expensive (there is a fee waiver, at least here in CA, but again, complicated), not to mention, do I want to legally change my gender marker? Hmmm… while I don’t identify as or use the pronoun “he”, if I ever do go on hormones/get top surgery, I may have some difficulty using an ID that says “she” on it…
  5. “coming out” to my family is… well, complicated, of course. I haven’t decided if I’m in a place where I’m comfortable coming out to them and having some of them say that they aren’t going to associate with me anymore…

I feel like my life is going to be a constant transition, and that’s ok with me. Finding a way to feel comfortable in transition has been and continues to challenge me, but it’s the only way I feel true to myself.

In other, not so related news, here’s a list of ableist terms to avoid I came across on tumblr. In case you are looking for ways to make your language more inclusive. Words are powerful and precious ❤

I guess that’s all for now, Until next time…

talking at myself… some more

The other day, someone made a comment to me that really resonated. We were sitting on a couch together, at a party, kind of surveying the whole thing, and they said: “Straight parties are weird, huh?” At the time I was like, “yeah, they are.” Before having this conversation, I had noticed people staring at me at the party, not sure what to make of me. I was reminded of why I rarely step out of my social comfort zone (aka queer spaces): because “straight parties are weird.” Meeting new people and making new friends can be hard no matter what the circumstances, but add judgment about gender and sexuality on top of that and you have a pretty dang uncomfortable situation. It’s just sooooo much easier to stay in the spaces where assumptions ARENT made about my gender or sexuality. And then I started thinking about what about when (if ever) I go on T and/or get top surgery… I may start being read as a man. My partner and I would be read in many spaces as a straight couple… so then would I feel comfortable at “straight parties”? No. I realized I will probably never feel comfortable in predominantly straight spaces because those spaces will still contain judgments/stereotypes about gender and sexuality and just because maybe those judgments wont be directed right at me, they’ll still make me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I’m never going to be comfortable with “casual” misogyny/homophobia/transphobia/etc. I will always be that “buzz kill” who is not going to let those comments go by un-checked. Albeit, I’m not saying I’m perfect at speaking up, but I do try to as much as I can. So… just more thoughts about what life might be like once (if ever) I’m “further” along in my transition.

side note: I use “if ever” a lot when I’m talking about hormones and surgery for myself because I’m still trying to un-pack those topics and where I stand on them as far as my identity goes, as well as figure out if they are even feasibly accessible for me… and I use “further” in quotes, in regards to my transition, because I think the idea that my transition progress is based on hormones or surgery is silly. I view transition as more of a process/relationship with my identity and presentation as opposed to a linear journey that must follow certain steps to be considered a “genuine transition”. I should probably just stop referring to my transition that way entirely, as opposed to sarcastically using quotes and parentheses then… ahhh process.

I guess that’s enough talking at my self/working through my thoughts for one post 😛 Until next time…